After about twenty years of working on myself, with much insight into food, psychotherapy, practice… I woke up one morning to see my children off to school and felt my head spinning. I was taken aback by powerlessness and instinctively sat on the bed. I heard a ringing in my head and felt a strong fever. My husband looked at me and worryingly asked:” What’s wrong? You’re all swollen!”

I started to understand that all of my lymph knots from my neck to under my armpits and that it was hard to even move the fingers on my hands, because they were swollen as well, and my bones were infected. Moreover, I couldn’t move my neck left and right. My cerebellum and spinal cord hurt as well. In bed, I noticed that my chest was inflamed and swollen. My gums as well. My teeth reacted to the air, let alone the cold.

That same day, my husband told me that the bank account of our firm was blocked and that after talking with our consultant we came to the conclusion that our firm was blocked by the inspectors. By mistake, we were proclaimed nonexistent. We were moving to a new house and new business space. The inspection officers couldn’t find us at our old address, and due to them deleting “phantom firms”, we were collateral damage. We create IMOPLEX. We work hard and have done so for years.  Now we needed to prove it. Summer, the services don’t work, bank account blocked. No money in our house. Three small children, me in bed. A penalty of millions at our door, if we don’t get ourselves out with bureaucracy. My husband spent days “knocking down” doors of different services but to no avail.

The whole situation was so absurd that I asked myself:” What is happening? Is this some sort of horrible dream? When will I wake up?’

The sickness and financial problems happened at the same time, without warning, forcefully and fiercely. I felt that my PEACE was ever so needed before making a decision.

I’ve learned from experience that radical and rash decisions are the wrong move. In our culture, they’d say:” Speed came from the Devil.”

I knew that my body was saying something and that I just had to listen to it.

In that period we moved house after 16 years of living as subtenants and around 30-ish moves. We all gave much of our energy, me in particular. It was our first summer in our new house. The school year was coming to an end. We were supposed to be enjoying ourselves, but…?

I knew from my experience with people that sometimes our bodies keep poisonous, heavy substances and let them out in times of peace when we have more free time.I didn’t want to go to a classic doctor because that sort of medicine doesn’t resound with my inner way beliefs. I told my husband to only take me to a hospital if I were to fall into a coma. I didn’t have money for an alternative. Days went by and I was laid in bed, using homeopathies and Imoplex.

I could tell, since long ago, that everything we needed was always around us, so I asked myself:” What sort of game is this, when I, who have many friends who dwell in alternatives, shouldn’t go to them, because if I should, there would be money?”

I couldn’t eat anything. Especially the so-called “Healthy” food. I only had strange thoughts go through my head. I would see a pancake with chocolate, whip cream and next to it, a rose from our garden. That picture made me happy, so much so that I would spend hours looking at the rose and enjoying the tastes. I’ve used food as a medicine for years (since 1987, when I got sick). I knew that this sort of food is the last thing which a sick person should eat, but I couldn’t eat anything else and I couldn’t bother trying it. Another day all I could muster up to eat was a strawberry from the garden. I spent most of my time starving. Food didn’t interest me. I had the strangest cravings, such as flips and yogurt. Thinly sliced pieces of Prosciutto with cuscus…

I went to a bioresonant machine which showed an infection of the brain, spinal cord, lymph nodes to cartilage and bone. In our culture, we have a saying:” An empty head is the devil’s playground”. As I was lying in bed, helpless, without any thought, the only thing that was left was a PRAYER. I used this to preoccupy my mind of any unnecessary poisonous thoughts. One day, my husband called our friend who dealt with bioenergy to ask him if he could help. The man told him that he couldn’t even sense me on the planet.

I could feel it as well. I had a low temperature which would attack me every afternoon. I could see death sitting next to me on my bed. My kids were very young and it only pained me to have to leave them.

One night, after a month of being sick, there was a heavy storm. It hurt me deeply, the thunder was ringing, and the lighting was splitting the sky. My kids entered the room. They laid next to me and on top of me and started crying. My husband came into the room as well, and when he saw me, he started crying as well. While the lightning was splitting the sky, we all cried, hugging each other. The pain was agonizing.

But it also helped me.

It’s as if we all let out all of our hurt between us.

A large weight fell off of my shoulders but I was still in pain from the glands under my armpits to my cerebellum, but I didn’t feel as “stuck” as I did before then.

Time went by.

My husband fought against the government officials to prove that we were working and that we existed.

I laid at home in pain. No one was coming to the house to visit. There was no one to help me. The dishes were dirtier than they were clean, the same goes for the laundry. Sometimes I would “leave my pain behind” and muster up some inhuman strength to cook and clean for the kids.

I was very grateful that I HAD TIME and that I wasn’t working eight hours a day. I could surrender myself to my pain and suffering until I got a sign what to do. I touched my lymph nodes and felt one of them was the size of an egg. So that I wouldn’t cry out in pain and scare the kids, I controlled my breathing and prayed. With every exhale I would loosen my body up more and more (as in the training for a painless labor), the pain started to stagger. With repeated breaths, the pain would worsen and become more and more unbearable.

Days went by.

I prayed.

When I felt large amounts of pain I would repeat a prayer of the heart:“GOD”, (inhale) with this I would think of a breath full of love and freshness enter my body and go straight to my heart.

“JESUS CHRIST” (exhale) with the memory of happiness and the spreading of the feeling from my heart to other extremities.

“HAVE MERCY” (inhale)

Lazarev, a Russian healer, said that the cause for suffering is all the feelings which don’t love. He advised remembering old memories in which we felt sad, unhappy, angry, furious, helpless, guilty,…, and to return love to us in exchange.

When I had a bit more strength I would recite the Lord’s prayer. I would recite it from the bottom of my heart, paying close attention to every word that came out of my mouth.

At a certain moment when I got to the sentence:” And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” I felt horrible pain in the region where my heart is, and my whole torso and then, as if everything inside had fallen apart inside of me, I understood that the thought:” You don’t forgive anyone!”

At that moment the pain became unimaginable.

I kept going back to the start of the prayer:

“Our Father, who art in Heaven!

Hallowed be They name;

They kingdom come;

They will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven;

Give us this day our daily bread;

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

At that moment I felt a connection with the sentence:” And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” I realized:” How will HE forgive me if I don’t forgive anyone else?” and in my head, I reached out to him:” Alright GOD, I will forgive.” But inside of me, everything would riot:” I can’t and I won’t, it’s too scary, it isn’t fair, there is no forgiveness.”

My thoughts got cut out by the pain, I noticed a connection between the intensity of the pain and dilemma at hand, TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE. At one point, stuck in sad thoughts, I started talking to GOD:” God! I want to forgive, but I don’t know how!” Right before my eyes, two blue eyes showed up, full of a certain warmth, love, and comfort. As if someone said:” EASILY!”

This shocked me, the word “easily” suddenly started to create such an ease of pain that I started to repeat it:

EASILY! EASILY! EASILY!…

I started praying again:

Our Father, who art in Heaven!

Hallowed be They name;

They kingdom come;

They will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven;

Give us this day our daily bread EASILY;

And EASILY forgive us our debts, as we EASILY forgive our debtors.

And EASILY lead us not into temptation;

But EASILY deliver us from evil.

In about an hour, all of my pain was disappearing, the lymph nodes on my neck and under my armpits were shrinking and I felt healthy again. For the first time in two months, with happiness, I could enter the kitchen and start to clear the several month long mess in there. While I was cooking, my husband stepped through the door, who had been trying to “free” our company as he had been for the past two months. Visually confused at my state, (after a long period of time, the kitchen was clean and in order, I had been listening to cheerful music and once again you could smell the pleasant scent of the food), he came close to me, kissed me while saying:” My dearest wife, everything went EASILY for me today. Finally our firm was unblocked.

I told him to sit down and that I had to tell him something IMPORTANT.

Don’t Stop Here​

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